Outraged by the decision, Arizona lawmakers are hard at work on new protocols designed to prevent non-citizens from voting:

1. Arizona is considering seceding from the Union, which would thus remove it from the federal election system.

2. A series of hurdles and steeplechase obstacles will be placed in front of balloting centers.

3. Each voting machine will come equipped with a live Diamondback rattlesnake.

4. In a cross-border cooperation policy, Arizona has announced that it will film “Breaking Bad: The Movie” on Election Day using a cast of extras that constitute the entire populace of both states.

5. Arizona is appealing the decision to a higher authority.  To date, however, Oprah has indicated that she is not interested in hearing this appeal.

Former U.S. Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart, in his concurring opinion in the seminal (ooo!) pornography case noted: “I know it when I see it.”  When 12-year-old Sally Draper caught her father fornicating with a woman not his wife on last week’s episode of Mad Men, there was no doubt in her mind what she saw despite her father’s protestations. We at Comedians at Law do believe in “innocent until proven guilty” but sometimes have to apply the “c’mon you must be kidding me” legal doctrine, especially in cases of public indecency.

Nonetheless, these situations are not always cut and dried. I had my own experience with indecent exposure (I’m okay, Mom.) During my freshman year of college, an intruder flashed me.  Maybe. The police encouraged me to press charges but I didn’t because I wasn’t positive whether he flashed me or merely was reaching to tie his shoelaces.  True, he opened his raincoat and he had no clothes on, but his shoelaces were untied so to this day I’m not sure.

The lesson here is that we shouldn’t rush to judgment.  Perhaps the rhythmic  motion of vigorous leg rubbing appeared as sexual congress, but only the couple  getting it on knows for sure.

-Joan Weisblatt

Joan Weisblatt practiced law in New Jersey for thirty years when the comedian inside her could no longer be contained.  She recently won the Comedians-at-Law Idol contest and performs at clubs all over New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania

As the only quinquagenarian in Comedians at Law and retired to boot, I can only thank God a million times that I never will have to take another bar exam . But wait. What if my life takes a turn and I find myself not only returning to the practice of law, but in a state that does not have bar reciprocity with the states in which I am licensed?

The thought of taking the bar ever again causes me to hyperventilate and break out in a cold sweat.  I have the somewhat unreliable memory of a person in her late 50’s.  What’s more, I cannot hear as well  as I used to and would be deathly afraid that the proctor would say “you may begin” and I would be fishing around for sucking candies in my purse.  Most upsetting, my bladder is not on the same timetable as a young person’s and when I have to go, I have to go and I don’t mean during those stingy bathroom breaks.

What would I do? I would rely on the Americans with Disabilities Act!  I would insist on the following accommodations:

1)   I want as much time as I need to take the test. I don’t want to fret if I can’t remember the rule against perpetuities, res ipsa loquitor or malice aforethought. If you give me at least a few weeks I’m sure I can remember almost anything.

2)   I want my own personal proctor with a bullhorn to announce the start of the test.  This may annoy some of the younger students, but I don’t care-age before beauty. They’ll understand in about 30 years.

3)   Finally, I want to take the test on the pot. That way, I don’t have to embarrass myself by answering silly questions like “Is this an emergency?” as though I had the bladder of a four year old….which I do.

The bar exam is hard enough when all your parts are working right.  Advancing age necessitates accommodation. Hopefully my next employer will understand.

-Joan Weisblatt

Joan Weisblatt practiced law in New Jersey for thirty years when the comedian inside her could no longer be contained.  She recently won the Comedians-at-Law Idol contest and performs at clubs all over New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania

If you enjoy reading stuff from Comedians at Law, then be sure to listen to the Comedians at Law Podcast on iTunes or Podomatic. New episodes every Monday so subscribe for free today!

- Kevin Israel

As always please check out our podcast every Monday, follow us on twitter, and reach out to us, let us know what you think, what you want to see or hear. Thanks.

Flowcharts are super important for bar study.  I’ve become confident that the flowcharts can be used for anything.  With that in mind, I have created the Bar Exam Social Life Flowchart.

If you enjoy reading stuff from Comedians at Law, then be sure to listen to the Comedians at Law Podcast on iTunes or Podomatic. New episodes every Monday so subscribe for free today!

Click here to view the embedded video.

On Friday night, I gave a speech to 150 college  honors students called “Competition in Law v. Competition in Comedy: Why I Gave Up a Steady Paycheck to Crack Jokes”. The title, of course, isn’t entirely true; my decision to retire predated my interest in becoming a comedian by  a month. It’s pretty catchy, though, don’t you think?

I was worried as I drove to their weekend conference. This was either going to work well or be a complete disaster and nothing in between. I remember how hard it was to listen  and concentrate when I was their age;  I could be at a lecture and within two minutes my mind would wander to  boys boys boys boys boys boys Spanish boys boys boys Sociology boys boys. Martin Luther King could have given his riveting “I Have a Dream” speech and  I would have sat there wondering if Benjamin Whatshisname would date me if I were a more provocative dresser.

This is the distillation of my speech:  I went to the law school for all the wrong reason, practiced and found myself in a cut-throat competitive world which did not fit my nature.  I then ventured  into comedy thirty years later to find myself in a cut-throat competitive world that I like a whole hell of a lot better.  I broke up the speech twice with stand up comedy routines; one about my family and one about practicing law. The kids were very attentive and enthusiastic during the first stand up routine. When I put the speech aside again and walked to center stage for my second round of stand up, the place erupted. This was the happiest night of my comedy life.

Afterward, I took questions for a half-hour. The kids asked me about my comedic influences. They wanted to know if I was more scared the first time I appeared in a courtroom or got on stage (courtroom, hands down). They asked if I hadn’t felt pressure to go to law school, what I would have done. I made sure to let them know that the practice of law is a noble profession, but it’s not right for everyone. Finally, a student got up and asked me what my children were doing now. I sheepishly told them that one was still in college and the other was…well, you know.

When it was over, insatiable hunger kicked in and I went to TGI Fridays  for a burger, sweet potato fries and a diet coke. Alone. But it was the best burger I ever ate.

-Joan Weisblatt

Joan Weisblatt practiced law in New Jersey for thirty years when the comedian inside her could no longer be contained.  She recently won the Comedians-at-Law Idol contest and performs at clubs all over New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania

Listen, we here at CAL can’t help you un-make your life decisions, but we can help you make the best of the hand you chose – which is why we are going to help you turn your office or cubicle INTO A BEACH!

1. Step One: Sun. You’re guna need indoor tanning lamps – and LOTS of um! Scatter 5-19 of these bad boys around your desk area. Don’t forget the SPF. (Unsure if the lamps come with the dead-eyes model)

2. Step two: Palm trees. If you’re worried a live plant won’t grow in your office, what with all the misery floating around in the air, spring for some faux silk fronds.  The one pictured here comes with it’s own lights!

3. Outfits. If you think you can’t corporate dress a bikini, think again.  Toss on one of these bikini or thong t-shirts and throw a blazer over it.  You’re a human mullet. PARTY! Business. PARTY! Business.

4. Frozen Drinks: This step is the easiest one of all. You can get a personal blender almost anywhere. The one pictured below is from Office Depot, so you can totally write it off as a business expense. Once you ditch all those fresh berries, throw in some ice and tequila. BOOM. You’ve just make an icey-tequila. Classic beach drink.

5. Smell: The smell of summer is a combination of ocean breeze, sunscreen, and tanning human flesh – unless you live in NYC, in which case, it smells like equal parts “hot trash” and “hot outhouse.” To achieve that tropical beach summer smell,  hang about 70 of these coconut air fresheners around your office. Just make sure it doesn’t end up looking like the killer’s den in Se7en.

Happy Interning!  And you’re welcome!

If you enjoy reading stuff from Comedians at Law, then be sure to listen to the Comedians at Law Podcast on iTunes or Podomatic. New episodes every Monday so subscribe for free today!

- Kevin